Here it is.

Alright, I admit it. I haven’t been keeping up with this blog like I should, but I want to be the first one to say that this is blog thing is going to be  a constant thing, not one of those one off  all for the ride things. Let me quit this messing around and get to the point.  I’m going to say this in the best way I can and hopefully get everything I need to say out in a systematic way.

To keep this clean, these past four months have been hell for me. To think that  it would be a nice break from all this snow, thats just something in its self. To think that anything  was nice in these past four months is just an understatement.  No, I’m not glamorize this pain, or taking anything to the extreme points but that just how things turn out. Alright I’ll stop it. Let me get this started.

This wasn’t just love. I don’t even think that I could describe it as that, at the least it was enamorment. All I know is that  it was the type of thing that would make you do anything  for that  person and I did.  If you know how I get when I’m tired,  you would know that I wouldn’t do anything after I gotten into bed, but when they asked me to stay up texting I did until I fell asleep. I call that dedication.  Seriously,  once you tell me to do something, I get out there and do it with as much poise as I can.  So I guess I was being used as an “end” for that other person. (I’ll explain this later)   But basically to sum this up I was In love, that kind of sappy kind, but I didn’t really care if it was sappy, I only cared that I was loved for a bit.  But before I can state this conflict, I have to do a little bit of explaining.

I’m not sure if you read my post “why I’m depressed” but if you didn’t it would be a nice thing to look over point one: I blow every chance I get.  It explains itself. Basicly I blew off this chance too. This wonderful chance to make my life better. I blew it.  See , you have to dig a bit further into me to understand why. See, I have the thing (the name escapes me)  where I can just get angry, for no reason. I don’t know  where it comes from, but all I know is that I just get angry.  And for that, I don’t know 3 weeks I took a break. I had to. I just had to cut off that warm side of me where everything is ok, and just break out that cold cynic thats inside. I don’t blame me, I don’t blame anyone for this side, but all I know is that for that whole three weeks I was very angry. I was just dising out remarks, cold jokes, and all of that stuff. For those three weeks I diddn’t feel too good. But something happened.  I don’t know if I just woke up one day and said it to myself that I had to explain what and why I was so so mad at everytihng to them. They would understand, none else would or so I thought.

So I sent that message, I sent it. An I waited and I had  no idea what I would get back, and I wish that I would have said something first, but that day I had no clue what I did.  The words just slipped out like spilled milk to a floor, and what I got back was something like a bullet to a heart. I want to say that those words were just something that would be pased off as funny, but I was wrong.  Later,  I think that I was so shocked that I couldn’t understand what was going on, so I just did the nod, yeah ok thing. But then I got this metaphor of  “if its broke you fix it, you go on” . You go on.  That , after that , I don’t think that I could. So for the rest of that day… I grieved.  And I don’t think that I stopped.

Most importantly,  All I wanted to say  was that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for that cold cynical self that none likes. I’m sorry  There it was. Hope you seen this. But if not, I guess It wouldn’t make a difference.

I’m there.

I made it. Make it or break it. Leaving it up to fate, will explain later.

-A

Why I’m deperessed

Some time ago a person asked me: “Why are you so sad and full of gloom?” Well, I replied, ” I don’t know.” Well I do know why I’m depressed. I just never really told anyone because I was scared. I was scared because, I didn’t want to hear all of the rumors, and false things about myself, and I didn’t want to have one of my regular anger bouts about how much I hate myself. But in that time since that encounter long ago, I have indeed learned about why I am so depressed. I still am learning how and why I got here, and where it is taking me, but since that time, I can tell you these things about why I’m depressed.

1. Every chance I get, I blow it, making my self esteem go lower each day
2. People avoid me. They just do.  That in itself is depressing
3. Most people don’t care. I know that that is the hard truth, and other people go through it.
4. People are just mean, I don’t know why, but it just makes me sick on the inside.

So, with this being said, do you think that you would be depressed too? Well, I am guessing yes.  When you look at it, this is a relocation of the things that have majorly happened so far.  Of course, this isn’t all of the things that went on, because If I told you all of that, your life will be over before I got done. Moving on from that, I will explain each of the notes from above.

First, Every chance that I get, I blow it. Really. It is like whenever I have a high chance of doing something good,I eater get overlooked, ridiculed, or just laughed at.  Not too long ago, their was a very large speech contest going on, and whoever got the highest marks in each writing class got a set amount of extra credit. Because I was in one of the top classes, I was most likely expected to get the top prize in my group. So, that is what I did, I set out for that prize and that credit. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t doing it for the extra credit, but I was doing it for the happiness of myself. So, on-top on my large workload I wrote that entire speech in about a week. When I had to read it to my class, they were basically stunned. I was in the  place for winning,  I could have took it all, but no.  When it was my turn to read on that day of the contest I just got so, nervous… that It didn’t work out. I didn’t even place in the top three,  but instead, I got beat out by some stupid jerk that wrote about working at his dad’s  fictional ice cream parlor.  Some work that I did,  When that was over,  I went outside, and ripped the whole file folder that my speech was in  and let it blow away.  I did a good job.

The next point is that people just avoid me. I dont even care that they are occipied, they just avoid me. It is like this to me, ” Hey, I’m going away and I’m not going to tell you when I’m back. I hope you have a great time dealing with your paranoia.” And that is  what I had to do for a year, a bloody year. Not to long ago, I had a very close friend that I always used to talk to. Things, were great, but just so far away, if you know what I mean. So, I’m where I’m at, and there are where their at. I still don’t know that if I’m insane for thinking this, but whenever I wanted to talk, they had to go. It was the not the ” Hey, I have to go for a bit, I’ll be back in 20 minutes” go, but the “Hey I’m leaving the house for 5 hours” go. To me this was a slap in the face, a kick in the bum and a knife to the heart. When I got around to talking to them about, 6 months later they had the nerve to say that they loved me, but at the same time called me cumbersome.  What kind of a friend is that? A friend that made me mad. Now, thanks to this, I’m more irrate, and prone to just getting angry. But don’t let that that fool you. I’m a nice person.

If I wanted to, I could interwind this into the other paragraph, but I don’t want to. This needs to stand out by itself. I know that I could say that people just don’t care, but I want a reason to go with this. My mom always told me that people don’t care about mostly anything these days, and they really don’t care for other people. I can understand why they are like that; I get that way too, and most of the time that I’m like this, I’m not having one of those “days.”  The way that the world and how everyone has treated me, I have a right to be mad about things. Heck, I have a right to be mad at every single person that I meet.  This is so because, I have to be afariad, because I could end up like I always have; heartbroken, angry and affarid.

Like the paragraph before that,  I could just make this all one hudge paragraph and let this be done. But I’m not going to do that.  So anyway.  people are just mean. Don’t think so?  Well look at all I have wrote so far. Is it true?  Yes, if It wasn’t why should I tell you these things?  Their is no reason right. And another thing, if people were nice to me, why  do I still have the feeling that I”m delusional, and being wached by someone? Exactly. Their was no need for it.

Last Minute Update

I wanted to get this in before I go to bed, so I’ll make it quick. I am in the planning stages of writing a little piece of something on my depression and how it effects me. I think that this will be a good way to get some of my feelings out and a good way to increase my RSI strains. I want to get this posted by the end of the week, but I dont think that will be happening, but if it does, please read it and give me some feadback on how I did. To spare your eyes, it will be done in two parts. Check back to read part one wich should be done by the end of this week.

-Thanks

Amy

Spread Firefox Day!

I should have posted this one earler, but because I like firefox so much, I just wanted to let you know a little bit about it(I don’t want to go into great detail). Firefox is a rival web browser to internet explorer, it has all of the features of any standard issue opperating system browser with more control. Some things that make it stand out is the great ammount of features that can be fitted into it, like diffrent themes,tool bars,and search engines. (if you need more info, just go google firefox) Don’t forget! There is a world reccord that is going to be set today! If you would like to help out, please download! For even more info go to http://www.spreadfirefox.com/en-US/worldrecord

Summer

( I wanted to get this posted on the third, but I was too lazy and I needed a break from school…)

Enter Summer, It is here as of today. I am finally free from the world of hallways,lockers,books and essays for a little bit more or less of 13 weeks. I am free of the trubbles and stressors that school brings for 13 whole weeks. I can’t even begin to explain how I feel to be free of all of that.

Simply, shcool was a bore and it still is a bore to me. It isn’t that the classes are too simple, or that the people adore me, its not that. It is just the asspect of waking up at the early morning hours trying to get a handhold on things before the time to leave home and to return those very bleak 8 hours later. We think of home while we are away, we try to find happeness in our morning meal, (that most of us skip or don’t eat at all) let it be that child like cereal, that we all enjoyed eating, or even the sweet desert-like pastery that I find myself indulging on some mornings, but most of all, here on our journey to school, the majority of my fellow students enjoy fried, greasy sometimes pleasing fast food breakfast. Does it pass off as food? Can it be trusted? Will I eat it? Well, the answer is no. It isn’t food if my egg-mc-fried food is as yellow as the morning sun and my orange juice has so much acid that it can break a litmus test. But by now, we have found our way to school with about 5 minutes to rush to our lockers, transfer our stuff from backpack to locker, and run our way to class.

When where there, we have to focus, (well, you don’t have to, but I always do) but if you don’t, you will fail that pop quiz that the teacher has planned for the next class. Classes in genral, is just the teacher talking in front of a board teaching us things that they think that we will learn. For example, do you really think that I will need to know the trig functions, what they do, why I need them and how they work? Yes, that is important. But do you think that I will need them in 6 years? I might. Not everything that you learn in class you will take with you in that life tool box, most you end up forgetting anyway. Example, think back to second grade or around that time. Do you recall any of that? I guess that you can think about your friends and all of that, but do you you recall the English lessons? I didn’t think so. But hey, you have been thinking all of these things and then class is over. Your done! (for the day that is) and you have to go do it again next in about 5 minutes.

I’m not going to talk about lunch break that much. Lunch means that you have the time away from teachers that is good. The bad part for me is finding a place to sit. Everyone at my school is grouped into who they hang with, who lives by them, what race they are and so on. But for me I have no group whatsoever. I’m kind of that kid who is a “freak” the kid that people don’t really understand the kid who has the “pointed bracelets” and that “Strange hair” but I really don’t care. I do get laughed at pointed at , things thrown at me and that does make me mad. But hey, I’m sure that everyone else gets driven crazy by their teachers also.

So, all of your classes are done for the day, and you do have homework due, so what do you do? Go home and forget about the life you had for those 12 hours or so before you have to go back. If it means, going out with friends to a place that you like, playing music, getting on the internet, playing a sport, whatever it may be, get your mind off of school until the next day and please get a good night sleep and don’t forget, we will do it again everyday unitl school is out!

Quick Update

Hello everyone! I just wanted to let you all know that I”m am finnally on summer break! So that means that I will hopefully be bloging as much as I can. I had a good topic yesterday and I wanted to get as much done as I could. But you know that didn’t happen.  So, in order to get that done, I will have  to cram my little arse off to get done too. I thougth that the curent one that I will be posting this week will be one of the best that I have written because I wrote it about something that I hate most, School.  So, my goal is try to beet my highest word count. It will be a fun summer chalange and I will hopefully get some page views out of it. Also, I will try to write about what I have been dogeing for about a year…What made me who I am as of this hour. I will be writing about my advanture trip that  changed me out of my mind. So, keep posted for these updates.

-Amy

Youtube Drifting 2

Today’s you tube drifting is Curve-Horror Head. I have heard this song a while ago and I just recently heard it again on my Pandora Internet Radio Page so being like myself, I found the video and thought about putting it on my blog. Enjoy .

Upcoming week

It is strange that I can’t really think up some very exciting topics to post in my blog, I have some on hold that I just might get to sooner or later, but I really don’t know where posting is going to go this week. It feels like I’m over booked and by the time I get home I have to do countless things to get reddy for this week. This week determines my final grade in almost all of my classes that I’m in. It isn’t good to have high restless at this time because that isn’t going to do me any good. Also, if I somehow get the flu or any other illness that will put me out for the week, my grades are going to be shot like heck, and knowing that they are fine as is, I can hopefully have a good immune system so I won’t get the flu again. Also, I have to think about the subject of the tests that I have to overcome. I’m not too keen on studying my arse off, but still I have to work on some things that I’m not good at. Hopefully I can get as much as I can done now so I won’t have to do it later. I am also hoping for a low homework week so I can really focus and buckle down to get my work done and completed. Most people say that I can manage my time wisely and such, but I really don’t know If I can do it this week. Oh well, at least I can just do what I can and hopefully get things done in time.

Anger.

I want to write about how mad and dismal I am lately but I cant. I just can’t do it. I’ve given up on writing how I feel ever since I got declined from art school. (I’m not going to say how that happened, but oh well) This strange feelings make me feel like I don’t want to live life, but alas I have to; this is todays world. It is sad that I look out and see what I have done people are following in my bleak footsteps. People don’t understand that I don’t want them to be like me, I haven’t truly smiled in years, not even shared a jovial moment in a while. To get things in depth even further, I wasn’t even the bit happy on my birthday last year. Why? Because people forgot about it. I didn’t even buy myself anything because I didn’t want to. I in a way think that I’m not even a part of my own life, I just kind of drift around in my mind trying to find closure.To end my little rant, I just want to say that I’m not trying to glorying my depression, I don’t want to make people depressed, I just want to state my point a little.