Alright, I admit it. I haven’t been keeping up with this blog like I should, but I want to be the first one to say that this is blog thing is going to be  a constant thing, not one of those one off  all for the ride things. Let me quit this messing around and get to the point.  I’m going to say this in the best way I can and hopefully get everything I need to say out in a systematic way.

To keep this clean, these past four months have been hell for me. To think that  it would be a nice break from all this snow, thats just something in its self. To think that anything  was nice in these past four months is just an understatement.  No, I’m not glamorize this pain, or taking anything to the extreme points but that just how things turn out. Alright I’ll stop it. Let me get this started.

This wasn’t just love. I don’t even think that I could describe it as that, at the least it was enamorment. All I know is that  it was the type of thing that would make you do anything  for that  person and I did.  If you know how I get when I’m tired,  you would know that I wouldn’t do anything after I gotten into bed, but when they asked me to stay up texting I did until I fell asleep. I call that dedication.  Seriously,  once you tell me to do something, I get out there and do it with as much poise as I can.  So I guess I was being used as an “end” for that other person. (I’ll explain this later)   But basically to sum this up I was In love, that kind of sappy kind, but I didn’t really care if it was sappy, I only cared that I was loved for a bit.  But before I can state this conflict, I have to do a little bit of explaining.

I’m not sure if you read my post “why I’m depressed” but if you didn’t it would be a nice thing to look over point one: I blow every chance I get.  It explains itself. Basicly I blew off this chance too. This wonderful chance to make my life better. I blew it.  See , you have to dig a bit further into me to understand why. See, I have the thing (the name escapes me)  where I can just get angry, for no reason. I don’t know  where it comes from, but all I know is that I just get angry.  And for that, I don’t know 3 weeks I took a break. I had to. I just had to cut off that warm side of me where everything is ok, and just break out that cold cynic thats inside. I don’t blame me, I don’t blame anyone for this side, but all I know is that for that whole three weeks I was very angry. I was just dising out remarks, cold jokes, and all of that stuff. For those three weeks I diddn’t feel too good. But something happened.  I don’t know if I just woke up one day and said it to myself that I had to explain what and why I was so so mad at everytihng to them. They would understand, none else would or so I thought.

So I sent that message, I sent it. An I waited and I had  no idea what I would get back, and I wish that I would have said something first, but that day I had no clue what I did.  The words just slipped out like spilled milk to a floor, and what I got back was something like a bullet to a heart. I want to say that those words were just something that would be pased off as funny, but I was wrong.  Later,  I think that I was so shocked that I couldn’t understand what was going on, so I just did the nod, yeah ok thing. But then I got this metaphor of  “if its broke you fix it, you go on” . You go on.  That , after that , I don’t think that I could. So for the rest of that day… I grieved.  And I don’t think that I stopped.

Most importantly,  All I wanted to say  was that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for that cold cynical self that none likes. I’m sorry  There it was. Hope you seen this. But if not, I guess It wouldn’t make a difference.