I think that this should be called a periodical instead if a blog because I don’t blog too much (no one really does anymore thanks to twitter and text messaging ). But that’s not what I want to talk about now. I want to write about the past year or so and what has happened since the day I got up and said “I can’t take this anymore. ” If you read the whole thing leave me a comment and tell me your reaction, I want to know how I’ve been doing. Like I said, this is a long story and I think that this story needs to be told. If you say “this isn’t the person I know” read the back story here.
About a year ago, I got up on a Saturday morning and the first thing that came into my mind was “I’m flat-out sick of waking up and thinking about how bad this day will be, somethings got to change.” I couldn’t quit thinking about what I said earlier. I guess it came across to me. I was screwed up. When I came home I looked in the mirror and I realized what I turned into.
I was just flat-out shocked, if one thing can change you, it has to be your face. I wont forget the way that I looked for as long as I live. First off, my hair was decent, but most of it was covering my face (most likely because my eyes were “glazed over”).If you did see my eyes they were very watery and were always bloodshot (just to clarify, I was not on drugs and I’m not now.) My face was very thin and pale, and I just looked like I was sick. (I still have bags under my eyes, but it’s mostly hereditary). I looked like a zombie. A zombie with a vendetta for redemption; a person who just wanted their life back. The reflection in my mirror said that. My reflection got me to where I was now, and I sure am glad that I was looking that day.
Later, I wrote in my journal about what I needed to do to get better, and I had to face one big challenge. I needed to learn to walk on my own two feet and move on. Everyone says that I’m “clingy”, “dwell too much on the past” and is just “flat-out boring”. I want to say this to my critics; “If you thought that you knew me, think again. I changed for the better this time, and I’m not going back. Learning to “stand” and be stable is the best thing that I’ve done for myself, and if you still want to attack me on every “flaw” that I have, I want to say that you got some yourself. Oh, and one more thing, I’m “clingy” because I want to hang on to the best people and the best memories in my life, and you are (or was) one of them. By hanging on to my past I get the best things out of my life, and if you didn’t see that, then look harder. In my eyes, I’m the best “clingy” little jerk that ever lived.” I think that sometimes, we have to look to whats truly inside of us and reflect on that to forge ahead.
I bet you’re wondering, “how did she get better?”. I can’t really answer that, but I can tell you the mystical journey I went on last summer to get to this point. So long story short (or condensed) I got out of bed, looked in the mirror, wrote in my journal, and then thought about the one issue that was really on my mind. After that, I really started to think about another dwelling issue: Meds. Another one to my critics, “No, I didn’t take medication, I got better by my own willpower and through nature”. First, to the willpower, how did I do it? I sat in my room and started to write down all of my troubles, and how I felt when they went I thought about them. Whenever I started to feel “sick” when I read one, I closed my eyes and “reflected” on it. I could sit for hours on one single thing, and when I felt like I could “move on” I went on to the next one. I spent weeks, on only one “little thing” but with time I finally finished. The nature thing is kind of hard to explain. Mostly it was a change in diet,(ie. more vitamins, less meat, less junk more healthy stuff.) but I have to give some props to just kicking back and relaxing once and a while. I learned that I’m in control of who I am, and not anyone else. I learned that although sometimes challenges come up, I have to use what I have and go in fighting every time.
I”m happy, and that is all that matters to me. I don’t really care about trifle matters anymore, and the strange thing (well not so strange thing) is that I can’t get mad anymore. I know that anger is in me like every other human being, but I just don’t want to get mad anymore. The best thing is that I got better and that’s all that matters.
I just want to say that if you made it this far, I really appreciate it. Leave a comment, I don’t even care if you read it all, just leave a comment and tell me what you think. Thanks and see you soon.
