You should know that my blog is updated only when I have the need to insanely ramble on about my life, and my trials and tribulations dealing with other people (whom I must not name).  I do have other blogs, but I doubt that you would like to hear about my record collection (But if you want to, go right ahead). Anyway, if you would like to explore here, please feel free to. I love reading blogs and looking at blogs, so just let me know. I also promise to update more, so don’t hover over me. Thanks.

-A

About a year ago, I got up on a Saturday morning and the first thing that came into my mind was “I’m flat-out sick of waking up and thinking about how bad this day will be, somethings got to change.” I couldn’t quit thinking about what I said earlier. I guess it came across to me. I was screwed up. When I came home I looked in the mirror and I realized what I turned into.

I was just flat-out shocked, if one thing can change you, it has to be your face. I wont forget the way that I looked for as long as I live. First off, my hair was decent, but most of it was covering my face (most likely because my eyes were “glazed over”).If you did see my eyes they were very watery and were always bloodshot (just to clarify, I was not on drugs and I’m not now.) My face was very thin and pale, and I just looked like I was sick. (I still have bags under my eyes, but it’s mostly hereditary).  I looked like a zombie.  A zombie with a vendetta for redemption; a person who just wanted their life back.  The reflection in my mirror said that. My reflection got me to where I was now, and I sure am glad that I was looking that day.

Later, I wrote in my journal about what I needed to do to get better, and I had to face one big challenge. I needed to learn to walk on my own two feet and move on.  Everyone says that  I’m “clingy”, “dwell too much on the past” and is just “flat-out boring”. I want to say this to my critics;  “If you thought that  you knew me, think again. I changed for the better this time, and I’m not going back. Learning to “stand” and be stable is the best thing that I’ve done for myself, and if you still want to attack me on every “flaw” that I have, I want to say that you got some yourself. Oh, and one more thing, I’m “clingy” because I want to hang on to the best people and the best memories in my life, and you are (or was) one of them. By hanging on to my past I get the best things out of my life, and if you didn’t see that, then look harder. In my eyes, I’m the best “clingy” little jerk that ever lived.”  I think that sometimes, we have to look to whats truly inside of us and reflect on that to forge ahead.

I bet you’re wondering, “how did she get better?”. I can’t really answer that, but I can tell you the mystical journey I went on last summer to get to this point. So long story short (or condensed) I got out of bed, looked in the mirror, wrote in my journal, and then thought about the one issue that was really on my mind. After that, I really started to think about another dwelling issue: Meds. Another one to my critics, “No, I didn’t take medication, I got better by my own willpower and through nature”. First, to the willpower, how did I do it? I sat in my room and started to write down all of my troubles, and how I felt when they went I thought about them. Whenever I started to feel “sick” when I read one, I closed my eyes and “reflected” on it. I could sit for hours on one single thing, and when I felt like I could “move on” I went on to the next one. I spent weeks, on only one “little thing” but with time I finally finished. The nature thing is kind of hard to explain. Mostly it was a change in diet,(ie. more vitamins, less meat, less junk more healthy stuff.) but I have to give some props to just kicking back and relaxing once and a while. I learned that I’m in control of who I am, and not anyone else. I learned that although sometimes challenges come up, I have to use what I have and go in fighting every time.

I”m happy, and that is all that matters to me. I don’t really care about trifle matters anymore, and the strange thing (well not so strange thing) is that I can’t get mad anymore. I know that anger is in me like every other human being, but I just don’t want to get mad anymore. The best thing is that I got better and that’s all that matters.

I just want to say that if you made it this far, I really appreciate it. Leave a comment, I don’t even care if you read it all, just leave a comment and tell me what you think. Thanks and see you soon.

To keep this clean, these past four months have been hell for me. To think that  it would be a nice break from all this snow, thats just something in its self. To think that anything  was nice in these past four months is just an understatement.  No, I’m not glamorize this pain, or taking anything to the extreme points but that just how things turn out. Alright I’ll stop it. Let me get this started.

This wasn’t just love. I don’t even think that I could describe it as that, at the least it was enamorment. All I know is that  it was the type of thing that would make you do anything  for that  person and I did.  If you know how I get when I’m tired,  you would know that I wouldn’t do anything after I gotten into bed, but when they asked me to stay up texting I did until I fell asleep. I call that dedication.  Seriously,  once you tell me to do something, I get out there and do it with as much poise as I can.  So I guess I was being used as an “end” for that other person. (I’ll explain this later)   But basically to sum this up I was In love, that kind of sappy kind, but I didn’t really care if it was sappy, I only cared that I was loved for a bit.  But before I can state this conflict, I have to do a little bit of explaining.

-A

1. Every chance I get, I blow it, making my self esteem go lower each day
2. People avoid me. They just do.  That in itself is depressing
3. Most people don’t care. I know that that is the hard truth, and other people go through it.
4. People are just mean, I don’t know why, but it just makes me sick on the inside.

So, with this being said, do you think that you would be depressed too? Well, I am guessing yes.  When you look at it, this is a relocation of the things that have majorly happened so far.  Of course, this isn’t all of the things that went on, because If I told you all of that, your life will be over before I got done. Moving on from that, I will explain each of the notes from above.

First, Every chance that I get, I blow it. Really. It is like whenever I have a high chance of doing something good,I eater get overlooked, ridiculed, or just laughed at.  Not too long ago, their was a very large speech contest going on, and whoever got the highest marks in each writing class got a set amount of extra credit. Because I was in one of the top classes, I was most likely expected to get the top prize in my group. So, that is what I did, I set out for that prize and that credit. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t doing it for the extra credit, but I was doing it for the happiness of myself. So, on-top on my large workload I wrote that entire speech in about a week. When I had to read it to my class, they were basically stunned. I was in the  place for winning,  I could have took it all, but no.  When it was my turn to read on that day of the contest I just got so, nervous… that It didn’t work out. I didn’t even place in the top three,  but instead, I got beat out by some stupid jerk that wrote about working at his dad’s  fictional ice cream parlor.  Some work that I did,  When that was over,  I went outside, and ripped the whole file folder that my speech was in  and let it blow away.  I did a good job.

The next point is that people just avoid me. I dont even care that they are occipied, they just avoid me. It is like this to me, ” Hey, I’m going away and I’m not going to tell you when I’m back. I hope you have a great time dealing with your paranoia.” And that is  what I had to do for a year, a bloody year. Not to long ago, I had a very close friend that I always used to talk to. Things, were great, but just so far away, if you know what I mean. So, I’m where I’m at, and there are where their at. I still don’t know that if I’m insane for thinking this, but whenever I wanted to talk, they had to go. It was the not the ” Hey, I have to go for a bit, I’ll be back in 20 minutes” go, but the “Hey I’m leaving the house for 5 hours” go. To me this was a slap in the face, a kick in the bum and a knife to the heart. When I got around to talking to them about, 6 months later they had the nerve to say that they loved me, but at the same time called me cumbersome.  What kind of a friend is that? A friend that made me mad. Now, thanks to this, I’m more irrate, and prone to just getting angry. But don’t let that that fool you. I’m a nice person.

If I wanted to, I could interwind this into the other paragraph, but I don’t want to. This needs to stand out by itself. I know that I could say that people just don’t care, but I want a reason to go with this. My mom always told me that people don’t care about mostly anything these days, and they really don’t care for other people. I can understand why they are like that; I get that way too, and most of the time that I’m like this, I’m not having one of those “days.”  The way that the world and how everyone has treated me, I have a right to be mad about things. Heck, I have a right to be mad at every single person that I meet.  This is so because, I have to be afariad, because I could end up like I always have; heartbroken, angry and affarid.

Like the paragraph before that,  I could just make this all one hudge paragraph and let this be done. But I’m not going to do that.  So anyway.  people are just mean. Don’t think so?  Well look at all I have wrote so far. Is it true?  Yes, if It wasn’t why should I tell you these things?  Their is no reason right. And another thing, if people were nice to me, why  do I still have the feeling that I”m delusional, and being wached by someone? Exactly. Their was no need for it.

-Thanks

Amy

Enter Summer, It is here as of today. I am finally free from the world of hallways,lockers,books and essays for a little bit more or less of 13 weeks. I am free of the trubbles and stressors that school brings for 13 whole weeks. I can’t even begin to explain how I feel to be free of all of that.

Simply, shcool was a bore and it still is a bore to me. It isn’t that the classes are too simple, or that the people adore me, its not that. It is just the asspect of waking up at the early morning hours trying to get a handhold on things before the time to leave home and to return those very bleak 8 hours later. We think of home while we are away, we try to find happeness in our morning meal, (that most of us skip or don’t eat at all) let it be that child like cereal, that we all enjoyed eating, or even the sweet desert-like pastery that I find myself indulging on some mornings, but most of all, here on our journey to school, the majority of my fellow students enjoy fried, greasy sometimes pleasing fast food breakfast. Does it pass off as food? Can it be trusted? Will I eat it? Well, the answer is no. It isn’t food if my egg-mc-fried food is as yellow as the morning sun and my orange juice has so much acid that it can break a litmus test. But by now, we have found our way to school with about 5 minutes to rush to our lockers, transfer our stuff from backpack to locker, and run our way to class.

When where there, we have to focus, (well, you don’t have to, but I always do) but if you don’t, you will fail that pop quiz that the teacher has planned for the next class. Classes in genral, is just the teacher talking in front of a board teaching us things that they think that we will learn. For example, do you really think that I will need to know the trig functions, what they do, why I need them and how they work? Yes, that is important. But do you think that I will need them in 6 years? I might. Not everything that you learn in class you will take with you in that life tool box, most you end up forgetting anyway. Example, think back to second grade or around that time. Do you recall any of that? I guess that you can think about your friends and all of that, but do you you recall the English lessons? I didn’t think so. But hey, you have been thinking all of these things and then class is over. Your done! (for the day that is) and you have to go do it again next in about 5 minutes.

I’m not going to talk about lunch break that much. Lunch means that you have the time away from teachers that is good. The bad part for me is finding a place to sit. Everyone at my school is grouped into who they hang with, who lives by them, what race they are and so on. But for me I have no group whatsoever. I’m kind of that kid who is a “freak” the kid that people don’t really understand the kid who has the “pointed bracelets” and that “Strange hair” but I really don’t care. I do get laughed at pointed at , things thrown at me and that does make me mad. But hey, I’m sure that everyone else gets driven crazy by their teachers also.

So, all of your classes are done for the day, and you do have homework due, so what do you do? Go home and forget about the life you had for those 12 hours or so before you have to go back. If it means, going out with friends to a place that you like, playing music, getting on the internet, playing a sport, whatever it may be, get your mind off of school until the next day and please get a good night sleep and don’t forget, we will do it again everyday unitl school is out!

-Amy